Seeing them at training

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What you can say

Depending on the situation, you could say:

• "Please don't pair me with X."
• "I need some distance from X at training. I'm not ready to explain why."
• "Can you let me know if X is going to be there before I come in?"
• "I only want to train with partners I choose for a while."
• "I need you not to tell X when I train or whether I'm coming."
• "There is something affecting my safety at training. I can tell you what I need, but I'm not ready to tell you the whole story."

You can ask for

No roll. No drilling. No pairing. No private lesson. No physical demonstration. No contact outside training. No information about your schedule. Advance warning if they will be there. A different coach. Someone to walk in or out with you. Someone else to speak to the gym or organiser for you.

Open mats

Open mats can be harder to plan for. People may arrive from different gyms, there may be no formal partner list, and the person running the session may not know everyone who will turn up.

You can contact the host before you go without making a full disclosure. You could ask:

• "Is X expected at the open mat?"
• "If X arrives, could someone quietly let me know?"
• "I don't want to be paired with or approached by X."
• "Could I choose my own partners today?"
• "Who should I come to if I need help while I'm there?"
• "If I need to leave quickly, can I leave my things somewhere accessible?"
• "Please don't tell X that I contacted you or whether I am attending."

If they turn up unexpectedly

You do not have to decide immediately whether to stay or leave. You can step off the mat, sit with someone you trust, ask the host to deal with the situation, or leave. Freezing, changing your mind or suddenly not wanting to train does not mean you have done anything wrong.

Competitions

Competitions are crowded and unpredictable, and avoiding someone completely may not always be possible. But there are still things you can ask for.

Before the event, you or someone you trust can contact the organiser and ask what safeguarding or practical arrangements are available. You do not necessarily have to tell them the entire history in order to explain what you need.

Before the competition, you could:

• check the athlete list or bracket, if doing so is helpful rather than distressing — or ask a friend or coach to check it instead;
• identify one person who stays with you;
• decide who handles communication with officials;
• ask the organiser whether there is a safeguarding or contact person;
• ask whether arrival and check-in can be managed to minimise unnecessary contact;
• ask where you can warm up or wait;
• have someone else keep track of where the other person is, if that would make you feel safer;
• arrange transport that does not depend on the person concerned.

If the person is your coach

Coaches hold structurally powerful positions: they can control sporting opportunities, progression, recognition and access to the community. Research identifies that power imbalance itself as a barrier to athletes disclosing abuse.

This can be particularly difficult in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Your coach may also be the gym owner, the person who gives you your belt, your main training partner, the person who corners you at competitions, and the person connecting you to the wider BJJ community.

You may worry that speaking up means losing your coach, your team, your belt progression or access to competitions. Those concerns are real. They do not make what happened less serious, and they do not mean you have to make every decision at once.

Depending on how your gym is structured, another route might be another coach, the gym owner if that is a different person, a safeguarding contact, a senior instructor you trust, the head of the wider affiliation, an event or camp organiser, another gym, or an independent support organisation.

You do not have to confront your coach before speaking to somebody else.

Do I have to leave my gym?

No. Moving gyms may be something you choose because it feels right for you, but it should not automatically become your job to disappear.

Your friendships, training routine, coach relationships and years of work on the mat can matter enormously. Wanting to keep those things does not mean that what happened was unimportant.

Equally, choosing another gym — temporarily or permanently — is not "letting someone win". You are allowed to choose the place where you feel able to train.

What a gym should not do