Safe BJJ

Responding to a disclosure

Someone told me something

When someone tells you they have experienced abuse, they are taking a significant risk. Your response in those first few minutes can have a lasting impact. You don't need to have all the answers.

You simply need to respond with care, respect, and empathy.

Their immediate safety comes first

Before anything else, make sure the person's immediate physical safety is taken care of.

Think of it like first aid: if someone is bleeding, you put the bandage on first. If the person has injuries, needs urgent medical attention, or is in immediate danger, those needs come before anything else.

Ask simple questions such as:

If there is an immediate risk to their safety, help them access emergency assistance. If they are physically safe, you can then focus on listening and supporting them emotionally.

What helps

  • Stay calm. The person sharing their experience is often paying close attention to your reaction. If you appear shocked, angry, or overwhelmed, they may feel they have made a mistake by telling you. Take a breath, stay present, and let them know you are listening.
  • Take the time to listen. Give them your full attention. Avoid making the conversation feel rushed. For many survivors, being listened to without interruption is one of the most meaningful forms of support.
  • Believe them. One of the strongest predictors of a survivor's recovery is whether they are believed when they first disclose. Your role is not to determine whether the abuse happened.
  • Thank them for telling you. Many survivors spend months or years deciding whether to tell anyone. "Thank you for telling me." "I'm glad you told me."
  • Respect their control. Abuse involves having control taken away. One of the most helpful things you can do is return it. Offer options rather than instructions.
  • Ask how you can help. "How can I support you right now?" "Is there anything that would help you feel safer?" Sometimes the answer is simply that they wanted someone to listen.

If you genuinely cannot give them the time they deserve, say so respectfully and make sure they are not left alone with the disclosure:

"I want to give you my full attention because this is important. Right now I have to start class, but let's find a private space immediately afterwards, or let's find another trusted person who can stay with you now if you don't want to wait."

Comments such as "I only have a few minutes" or "The next class starts in ten minutes" can unintentionally communicate that what happened to them is less important than the training schedule.

Even with the best intentions, certain responses can make a survivor feel judged, disbelieved, or as though they have lost control again.

What makes it worse

  • Don't ask for unnecessary details. "What exactly happened?" "What were you wearing?" "Did you say no?" "Had you been drinking?" These are rarely necessary during an initial disclosure and may feel like an interrogation rather than support.
  • Don't suggest blame. "Why didn't you leave?" "Why didn't you tell someone sooner?" "You should have fought back." Even seemingly innocent questions can reinforce guilt and shame that many survivors already carry.
  • Don't try to fix the situation. "You have to report this." "You need to confront them." Taking over can unintentionally remove the person's sense of control for a second time.
  • Don't pressure them to report to the police. Whether to report, and when, is their decision. If they want to, you can help them find out what reporting involves where they are.
  • Don't make promises you can't keep. "I promise I won't tell anyone." "Everything will be okay." You may have obligations that require you to share information — for example if a child is at risk.
  • Don't make it about yourself. "I can't believe this." "I'm devastated." It's okay to feel shocked or angry, but this is not the time for the survivor to comfort you.

Responsibility always lies with the person who committed the abuse — not with the person who experienced it.

Instead of a promise you cannot keep, you might say:

"I'll respect your privacy as much as I can, and if I need to involve someone else to keep you or someone else safe, I'll explain that to you first whenever possible."

Don't investigate

You are not a police officer, therapist, or investigator.

Avoid trying to establish exactly what happened, when it happened, or collecting evidence. Don't interview them. Allow them to share only what they want to share, and listen more than you speak.

If more detailed information is ever needed, it should be gathered by appropriately trained professionals.

Know your limits

You are not expected to solve the situation or become someone's counsellor. Your role is to provide a safe first response, help maintain a safe training environment, and connect the person with appropriate support if they want it.

Even if the person asks you to become their main source of support, it's important to be honest about your limitations while continuing to be compassionate:

"I'm here to support you as best I can, but I also want to make sure you get the support of people who are specifically trained to help in situations like this."

It is good practice to know in advance which services exist where you are — sexual assault crisis centres, domestic violence organisations, victim support services, child protection services, mental health professionals, and the police. lila.help lists them for almost every country.

Finally, look after yourself. Supporting someone through a disclosure can be emotionally demanding. Seeking support for yourself, while respecting the other person's privacy, is both appropriate and responsible.

Two things can be true at the same time

Someone can be a wonderful friend, coach, or training partner and still harm someone else. Someone can have had a respectful, friendly roll with one training partner and behave inappropriately towards another. Someone can be highly respected within the BJJ community and still be capable of abusive behaviour.

When someone discloses abuse, it is natural to think, "But that's not the person I know." Your personal experience of someone does not invalidate another person's experience.

You do not have to choose between believing that someone has positive qualities and taking a disclosure seriously.